Confusing Myself

There must be something in the air again. Or maybe in the stars.

Is it just me or is everyone going bananas over romance again? Romance can be such a nice, helpless word unless of course, if it is backed up by pain. Just like a rose. A rose can be a sight to behold, but you can be pricked by its thorns if you’re not too careful.

A while ago, I watched all those mushy soaps that made me feel hopelessly sappy again. I hate feeling like this! Because as usual, it would lead me back to thinking about—yes, him. I can’t believe how much I miss him! (Don’t comment on that!) I’m not gonna equate missing him to still loving him though. Love is a totally different story. And at this point in time, I don’t think I have any right to talk about, or even write about, love.

I’ve been a cynic for the longest time I know. I’ve been bitter, angry, and pessimistic when it comes to that “L” word. For the longest time, I admit that I’ve denied myself of feeling anything—anything at all—that would cause me to become vulnerable. Right now, I don’t even know what love is anymore! Is it because of fear? Pride? I can’t be too sure. I just want to believe that the right time hasn’t arrived YET, but in God’s time, I will surely remember.

Anyway, I want to share to you a quote—the one that triggered my vulnerability to resurface once more. I don’t remember if I sent this to him before or if he sent it to me.

“Just like that, you’ve become a part of my life. Just like that, you’ve become special to me. Just like that, you’ve made me happy. So don’t expect me to leave you…just like that.”

Augh!!! Of all the forwarded messages I could read in my shobe’s phone, why this?! And by the way, the night of our graduation—that same graduation wherein I didn’t invite him—I went out with my family. Guess what played on the radio just as I got into the car? Yes, our theme song. I wouldn’t even have noticed it until my shobe pointed it out and started teasing me!

Sigh… All I want right now is that when I wake up tomorrow, this will all be over! I just want to be okay again…